Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
