Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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