Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
