Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Panties = found
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