So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
