you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
