sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Come see our sink grown plant.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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