seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
