You can't special order awesome
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
