is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
