There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize