Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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