apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
