insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
