I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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