literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize