I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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