I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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