She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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