took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
