The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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