Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
