How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
