Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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