happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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