I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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