hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
