i would punch a child for taco bell
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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