My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
