I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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