He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
