perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
