if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
