It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize