dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dear god my vagina.
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