I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
