yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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