I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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