i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Randomize
