just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
