Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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