mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
