His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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