She is in my trunk
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
