Dude my mom stole all your condoms
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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