Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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