I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you guys were way drunker than both of me
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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