So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
