no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
