she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
