walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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