good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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