So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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