There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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