YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
