i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
