if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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