i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
