My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
