is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Houston, we have a blender
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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