theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
