Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just had sex bonerless
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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