I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
