Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize
